Day 232- A Glimpse into the Past (and what it revealed to me about the present)

I went home a few weekends ago to clear out my closets for good as my parents are thinking of selling their house.  I didn't want them to have to deal with moving my stuff on top of all the other things collected in that house over the years.  Stephanie also came down with me and Caleb, and we had a ball with my parents and Stacy.  When Caleb prayed every night he thanked God for "papa, gram, stacy, stacy (he calls stephanie stacy too), and puppies".  It was a sweet time.

But... onto the glimpse into the past.  My mom pulled out a collection of letters she had kept from each of the daughters.  As I opened one of the letters, I got a glimpse into my 7th grade self.  Apparently my mom and I were "pen pals" and I wrote her letters when I was too embarrassed to ask her things in person.  While it was sweet and special that my mom had kept the letters and that we used to write to each other, it revealed (and somewhat humorously, might I add) that I was VERY INSECURE.  Now, I know what you are thinking... all 7th graders are insecure.  Well, I was extremely so.  I asked all about whether my mom liked my hair and which of my clothes did she like and whether she thought I looked cute and then asked whether she thought I was conceited for asking about these things.  I questioned my value and was looking for reassurance that I was worthwhile.  I'm not sure where the letters are at the moment (buried in one of the boxes I brought back) or I would actually copy one of the letters for your enjoyment :). 

What this revealed to me: I thought the letters were cute and hilarious, but there was a small, sad part of me that realized that I.am.the.same.way.now.  I ask Alan, "Am I pretty?", "Do you love me?", "Am I doing the right thing?".  I question my decisions. I berate myself for what I don't accomplish each day. I look for worth in my friendships, career, religiousity, and accomplishments.  I know that God has worked on this in me a lot over the past 10 years, but it is something that I still struggle with.  At times, my insecurity makes me question who I am and I try to make up for it by being extra prepared for the future.  I want transformation.  I know that my worth, my value, my life rests in Christ and how he has redeemed me.  I know that my actions and accomplishments (or lack of accomplishments) won't truly change me from the inside and give me JOY.  There is always room for change or improvement, but I need to relinquish my ego-centric perspective and take on kingdom eyes.  I think when you are focused on God and his kingdom, it's a lot harder to focus on yourself and your shortcomings (you know, the whole "in my weakness he is strong" stuff).  So, while I acknowledge the 7th grade self within me, I hope to mature through Christ's wisdom into a confident woman because of his grace.

Sidenote: I have a lot of head knowlege about this, I'm just trying to figure out the deep soul translation.