For me, the transition into mommyhood has been a lot harder than I would like to admit. For some reason I thought that once my body had done the physical act of nurturing and birthing a baby, the rest would be easy. I'm sure you are rolling your eyes at my naivety, but really... I thought that being a mom would just come naturally. I'm sure it does for some people. However, I'm not naturally domestic, or really nurturing. In fact, when I was a child, I didn't pretend to be a mommy so much as a doctor or teacher or writer or missionary. I kind of grew up thinking.... I'll do something BIG with my life (and maybe I'll get married and have kids too).
Somehow, I'm starting to realize that the biggest thing I do with my life (certainly the thing I spend the most time doing) will be being a wife and mother. That is totally not to say that I can't or won't have an impact in other ways, but this is HUGE! Back to learning to be a mom... So, it's taken me pretty much the last 9 or 10 months to actually get in a groove. To not feel like things are unfair when I get up out of bed at night or wonder why I'm cleaning up things in the living room for the zillionth time. I'm *starting* to just do them. I'm domestic out of necessity. I cook because I want to start establishing healthy eating for my child. I do laundry because he needs clothes to wear to daycare. We go to the park because mommy is bored (haha- Caleb doesn't really know how cool the park is yet).
And another thing... Bonding. Yes, I loved Caleb from the beginning. And I did bond to some extent in those first few weeks, but I didn't really start to ache with love for him, to stare at him and wonder how I got so lucky until the past few months. I think it's taken me a while to get over the shock of someone fully dependent on me + hormones+ lack of sleep + my changing identity in order to truly "feel" the love I have for Caleb. Just different than how I thought it would be.
Final thought... At church this morning I had a revelation, perhaps from the Holy Spirit. The message was about the good Samaritan. I was thinking and thinking about who are my "samaritan neighbors"? Perhaps my husband and son are. At least they are those that I'm called to love and serve most often. In honesty, sometimes they are the hardest to love and serve. I hate that often I look at it as a chore, when I'm eagerly longing for the day when we can do medical mission work or volunteer downtown. I think God is calling me to love and serve in the mundane, as well as by reaching out. How can I love my neighbor in Sierra Leone without loving my family first?
And it's SO worth it. I mean, look, how beautiful is family?!
61. For the gift of family and the amazing responsibility to take care of these two men
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2 comments:
Thanks for your honesty Susan! I think God is so so so pleased when we worship in mundane... thanks for this encouragement.
It took me awhile to adjust to those feelings too. With Nora, I felt a lot more of the overwhelming love even before she was born because I just knew what to expect. I've learned that I have to keep learning to die to myself over and over, especially now that I have 2 busy children that require almost constant attention. I think somehow we all have to keep learning this lesson, even after being a "seasoned" mother.
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