Day 17- The In-Between

The in-between...
... is exciting, confusing, crappy, fresh, thought-occupying, hard, sad, open.

Sometimes I wish that Alan and I hadn't told anyone that we were moving because then we wouldn't have to change anything. We could just pretend that things are going to stay the same and bask in all the things God has blessed us with during our time in Denver.

The in-between is hard. You can't check out of life for 5 months. You can't fully engage either. How can you ask people to fully engage with you if you're leaving? It doesn't make a lot of sense on either side, but I still need relationship. I still need accountability. I still need encouragement. But then again, does what I need really matter? I am the one leaving after all. What if the whole leaving thing isn't even really my choice? Yes, we made the choice together, but it does come with sacrifice. Especially on my part. That's what marriage is about though, right? Alan has been sacrificing his career ambitions and lifestyle choices to get me into a career that I love for the past 5 years. I know it's now my turn. I know it's what God is calling us to. I know that he will provide, not only in KC, but in the in-between time.

Tonight we talked about our small group splitting up. Too many people going too many different directions. I just feel the reality of change setting in. I'm not sure I like it. I've never really been one to embrace change. I always dream about the future, but when it gets here, I "paint pictures of Egypt."

I don't want to leave here
I don't want to stay
It feels like pinching to me
Either way
And the places I long for most
Are the places where I've been
They are calling out to me
Like a long lost friend

It's not about losing faith
It's not about trust
It's all about comfortable
When you move so much
And the place I was wasn't perfect
But I had found a way to live
And it wasn't milk and honey
But then neither is this

I've been painting pictures of Egypt
I've been leaving out what it lacks
The future feels so hard,
And I want to go back!
But the places that used to fit me,
Cannot hold the things I've learned
Those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned!

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy
To discard
I was dying for some freedom,
But now I hesitate to go
I am caught between the promise
And the things I know

I've been painting pictures of Egypt
I've been leaving out what it lacks
The future feels so hard,
And I want to go back!
But the places that used to fit me,
Cannot hold the things I've learned
Those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned!

If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

-Sara Groves

Don't get me wrong, there are many things that excite me about moving, but there are also a lot of really.hard.things. I need a balance of mourning and celebration.