I've had a few realizations today...
1) I'm going to be a mom for a while. In fact, for the rest of my life, God willing. I've got to stop using it as an excuse. I've just realized that I've basically been halting my life because I have a baby. But today I realized I won't be able to live life without doing anything for the next 8ish years (depending on how many babies we decide to have hehe.) Now, I definitely think that some boundaries are good. Especially when healing from labor and when it comes to me wanting to be selfish versus taking care of my child. However, I shouldn't stop serving God just because I have a baby. I shouldn't stop caring for my house, my friends, and my community just because I have a baby. I can't hole up in my house for the next few years. For some reason I subconsciously thought this situation was temporary.
I'm not exactly sure what this means or how I will change my life, but I think it's good to realize that having Caleb is not a pause in my life, it's a beautiful change that I need to learn to embrace.
2) I am a perfectionist. Okay, okay... I already knew this about myself. But, I didn't realize that everyone is. That everyone thinks that everyone else is more put together, more polished, more good at heart, more energetic, more... fill in the blank. Our pastor read a passage someone wrote about perfectionism today at church. About how everyone's perfectionism basically drives everyone else to put on a show so that we all appear to have it together. I don't want to live my life smoothing my outside to hide the insecurity and anxiousness on the inside. I especially don't want to place the perfectionistic tendencies that stem from my own insecurities on those I love (especially meaning my husband and children). I don't want everyone in my life to feel like they have to put on a show or a smiley face just to match the show and smiley face I've plastered on. Now, I think that to a certain extent, I value realness and try to be transparent. But on the really deep things, on the truly painful insecurities... not many people know about those. Not even sure I'm ready to be real about those things. But, the point of transparency is not that we're all messed up and should dwell that. The point is that we have HOPE. That Jesus has given us and our messed up lives the chance to be new and to be transformed. However, if we can never admit our weakness, how are we to truly accept his gift and to truly explain the immense value of it to others?
3) If getting married makes you a woose (sp?), having a kid increases the woosiness factor times ten :). I guess my reasoning in this is that you have a lot more to lose when you love someone. I get teary when I think of car accidents, surgeries, sickness, and loss. Mainly because it comes too close to home sometimes. Love is a beautiful thing, but it also leaves you raw and bare sometimes. Even when you least expect it.
Well, that's my ramble for the evening. Not sure if any of it made sense, but sometimes it helps me to write these things out.
1 comment:
I can relate to so much of this!! I have gone through so many of those thought processes. I 100% agree with #1, but I also think there is no harder transition in life than having a baby, and you should feel totally guilt-free about taking the time you need to adjust to the hugeness of it. It's not selfish! Honestly, I think it took my a year.
Ive thought the exact same thing (#3). The more people you love, the weaker you get in a way, because so much more of your well-being depends on others! There are huge parts of your heart out there in the world, walking around, completely vulnerable to everything! AH! That's the fear talking. Love casts out fear.
Thinking of you Susan. Your little man is ADORABLE!!!
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